This is a lovely piece written by Charles Behling, an educator focused on social justice.  What I particularly admire is his evident compassion for himself and others when considering issues involving moral judgments. It is so easy to slip into judgment of the “evil” other without checking how the very same process might reside within ourselves. When I asked Charles whether I could share this, he without hesitation said yes. He is a true Elder in my books. He wants to share what he has learned through experience.

By Charles Behling

I’m 71, which is old, I guess.  Except that I don’t feel it.  And the “wisdom of age,” whatever that is, certainly hasn’t kicked in yet.

I first responded to David Brooks’ invitation to write with real interest.  Then, I got cold feet.  I think the problem for me is his suggestion that we “grade” aspects of our lives.  My grades would be sort of a gentleman’s “C” (I mean, by definition, most of us are average, right?), and that thought produced in me an ego/depressive/guilt festival. That’s a very familiar festival for me.

Then, the fact of those bad feelings, and my indulgence of them, reminded me of one of the things I’ve learned, and think might be worth sharing:  Life is best lived, not graded. Of course, we screw things up, but most of the time that doesn’t much matter.  And when it does matter—a lot—it is often not something that we could have avoided anyway, given circumstances and our level of knowing at the time. The question is what to do after the mistake, not what the mistake says about our worth.

Now, in giving this advice, I am very aware that I do not live it.  I worry and fret and get ruled by my ego.  But, I have at least learned that none of that is helpful, even though I continue doing it.

I grew up in rural South Carolina, and I learned love and kindness from my family and neighbors.  I also learned to be blind to, and to support, the cruelty and evil that we otherwise good people engaged in: racial oppression and segregation.

Later in life, the contradictions between the goodness and horror of my home led me to a career in “education for social justice.”  That became my life’s calling, and it provided me with meaning and purpose.  I became a professor and a psychologist.

Recently, I have engaged in a wonderful (really, really!!!) program in California called “Learning as Leadership.” That’s a long story, but let me give a pitch for it.   learnaslead.com.  I guarantee you’ll learn more from them about living that you will from reading essays like the one I’m writing now.

Anyway, LAL (that’s their acronym) challenged me to define what I believe is my main goal in life.  What I came up with is something like this: “To create, with others, the safety that permits us to be our full selves.”  That’s cheesy, but you get the picture.

My work as a social diversity/justice educator is, I believe, consistent with that goal.  Justice, for me, is a society where we are free to be ourselves, and we are respected for that, and we are not deprived of opportunities or oppressed because of who we are.

Coming out of a childhood where I, and the people I loved, defended an environment that was unjust and unsafe has given me passion and vision for my profession.  Importantly, it has also given me compassion for the perpetrators of evil, as well as for their victims.  From my own experience of supporting racial segregation, I have learned that wrong-doing is usually a product of ignorance and psychological fear—to see it merely moralistically is simplistic and unproductive.

Now, here comes one of the sources of the bad “grades” of my life. The values and insights which have guided my work are hard for me to practice with the people who are closest to me.  I’m often pretty good at the office, but at home with my family, I am much more likely to judge, blame, criticize, separate.  In other words, where it matters most, I am most prone to create situations that are unsafe.  And, that includes my judgment and harassment of myself.

When I am able to see my deficiencies at home as examples of fallibility, not merely moral failings, I am more able to do better, and to give myself the safety to express the love I feel.  But, what I teach at work, I forget at home.

So it goes.  And maybe that is one of the lessons I am still trying to learn in my life:   Live life, don’t judge it.  Think of other people, not of my own self worth.  It’s ego involvement that separates me from living.

I used to be religious. I’m not anymore.  But if I still believed in God, I think that the thing he would be most pissed with me about is my refusal to accept the gift of life unconditionally.  I have been so lucky in my life; I have been given so much; and yet I have questioned and graded and resisted the gifts.  I still do those things, but at least I have learned that, in doing so, I turn my back on grace.

Nelson Mandela is one of my heroes. The 92-year-old former president of South Africa and Nobel laureate has used his own self-knowledge and compassion to avert major bloodshed in his country. His compassionate understanding of what was in the hearts and minds of his opponents guided his actions. He was able to maintain his vision and integrity while navigating through the many pressures leadership brings. And given the extreme challenges he endured throughout his life, I am sure his personal mastery came with hard work and hard learning.

I believe Nelson Mandela learned to be congruent between his inner self and his actions for change in the world.

Inner work takes courage. It takes guts to get out of the cycle of reactive righteousness, hopelessness and burn-out, that we, in our social change roles, often fall prey to. It takes commitment to develop the intra-personal, relational, self-care and spiritual skills that can make social change effective and sustainable.

During 2011, I would like to see more of us exploring the importance of congruence between our inner selves and our actions in the outer world. Why? Because I believe as change agents we must first know a great deal about how change works within ourselves – how we take on or discard new values and beliefs – before we go about our work of encouraging others to change. Without some clear understanding of how we work as individuals, how can we be sure our efforts for change are going to be effective? I have spent over 25 years developing greater awareness within myself. I know first-hand how difficult it has been to shift my deeply held values and beliefs and to become aware of my blind spots: how I consciously use my rank and power, how I marginalize others, how my ego works, my communications style; the list goes on. Becoming aware of my own human frailties and limited perceptions has required a deep love for both myself and our world.

We have plenty of feedback these days that our collective blind spots continue to wreak havoc on our world. And our ability to live compassionately continues to elude us. I believe the current level of personal consciousness in the world is the central challenge in dealing with our global dilemmas: climate change, species extinction, genocide, widening gap between have and have not, etc.

The time for more focus on what continues to drive us towards the brink of extinction is now.

Check out the Inner Activist program initiative. It is designed to contribute to a collectively more relational and loving way of being, sorely needed to address the major challenges of our time.  Specifically, the program’s intention is to offer in-depth training programs that encourage relational leadership skills and that value our diverse natures and natural equality. These are core competencies for social change agents.  Congruence between one’s inner experience and one’s actions for change in the external world is essential for inspirational social change.

The inaugural Inner Activist program commences this June and the Inner Essential eCourse is available on-line now for only a $1.00 per week. Both these programs are designed to help change makers, social entrepreneurs, leaders and activists, be radically more effective in their life-serving work. They don’t claim to have the answers, but they do have some powerful questions, dedicated and skilled faculty and experiential techniques to deepen the work of social change agents. Check out this inovative resource.